sunny sunset – grey sunset

 

 

 

My emotions this month has been exactly like the two photos. Grey and sunny, and sunny and grey, and grey and sunny, and sunny and grey….

and they twist every second, every minute, every hour, every day….it has been fucking nuts….

I’m exhausted

By no means has this month not being productive, effort-full, relaxing, with rejections, with dating, with meeting new people, with swimming & racing, with catching up with old pals, with putting efforts on business ideas with no visible income stream, with applying for jobs to get some income stream, with efforts in flirting, with reading a book, with chilling at the beach, with, with, with….

trying, trying, trying, trying……

effort to support myself, effort to support few good friends

effort….

In his book “Finding your Element” (page124-125), Ken Robinson talks about the five broad areas of life that form the base of “well-being” when they co-exist and are in balance.  All five of them, at the same time.

– how you occupy your time, or simply liking what you do every day (career well-being)

– having strong relationships and love in your life (social well-being)

– effectively managing your economic life (financial well-being)

– having good health and energy to get things done on a daily basis (physical well-being)

– your sense of engagement with the area where you live (community well-being)

(quoted as per pages 124-125 of the book)

Have a pause and think about your life.  How do the above five broad areas stack up in your life?  Are there any other areas that add to your well-being?  If so, jot them down too

For me, at the moment, only one area is at a good level.  And it struggles to keep me in balance with the remaining four.

And I am fucking exhausted and confused.  Really fucking exhausted and confused.  This effort to set my life in my own terms is fucking exhausting me. Lots of repetition here.  But this is how I feel

I follow the rules.  I follow the processes.  I follow my heart.  I am creative, honest, speaking from the heart

But no results show up specifically on the work/financial part and the relationship part.

And it is fucking killing me.  the snakes of self-doubt, of what is wrong with me, of what am I doing wrong, of do I fit in the society I live in, are circling my mind and soul

this has been the hardest post I’ve written so far in terms of managing to put in words how I feel.  It is a write, delete, write, delete, write, delete effort

I want a nice relationship. I want nice sex.  I want a good boss.  I want a job that pays me well, but time-wise it allows me space to enjoy my sports.  I want to have the financial abundance to make my dreams reality.

No, I don’t want my dreams to be handed out to me.  I’m happy to work for them.  But I want a fucking fair deal.  Like the ones I had on my first two jobs.  Jobs that you can deliver and be paid fairly.  Where the pie is shared in an “as equal as possible” way based on your contributions.  Where your salary can help you make at least some of your dreams true.

you know what???  can’t keep being fucked up like this for ever.

Cut the long story short, I need to find a job, start earning some income, and hopefully the boss is not going to be an asshole.  Period.

Also find a girl that we have a good chemistry, communicate and have good sex.  Period.

This will bring a balance in four out of the five areas leading to well-being

Last one is the engagement with the local community.  Instead of cursing everyone and complaining about the rapid deterioration of the neighbourhood I swim and live, I just need to find allies and people with similar views and pick up the fight together. Period.

I do hope I find a job I feel content, helps me move out of my parents house, start a relationship, keep my athletic activities, bring down the local mayor and his supporters plans to destroy the area I live in and keep working on all the various ideas I have that will bring joy to my life and help me shape it the way I want.

What will you do about it?  Define it

I’ll keep on applying for jobs.  I’ll keep networking with new/old connections. I’ll keep opening up with who I am, how I perceive things.  I’ll keep flirting, approaching girls, putting effort.  I’ll keep training.  I’ll keep educating myself with online courses of interest.  I’ll keep on filling my day doing things, that will hopefully come all together at some point, even if I don’t know why.

Why do all these?

Because I want to.  This is my life right now.  I don’t know where I am going, how I will go there.  My vision is not there as it had been in the past.

Why do all these?

Because even if they don’t make any sense or have any clear direction, they give me a sense of doing something every day.  Hopefully they will all come together at some point.

Fuck it.  This is my why.  I do all the things that I do everyday without knowing why I do them.  This is why I do them.  They pop up in my head and I do them.  That’s it.  Fuck it.  They are not a plan.  They don’t fit with society’s plans/paths.  They are what they fucking are.  At least I do them.

I am writing these words simply to convince myself that it is fine.  It is fine to put so much effort every day without knowing where I am going or what will come out.  Much better than doing nothing, staring at the tv all day or I don’t know what.

I have to write these words to myself.  To believe in myself.  It is true. It is who I am.

July, August, September.  This is the reality.

I followed an excellent swimming training regime that I created on my own and with help from books, sites that I trust.

I accomplished my target of swimming the race on a certain pace.  The end result was successful on some elements.  Not successful on other parts.  Well I was just less than a second from third place on the men division.  Which is great.  Overall performance though was expected to be much better.  Fine.  True.  Started the race in an emotional breakdown.  So race was fine.  Say it to myself.  It was fine.  Yes, fucking put a smile in my face.  Force it.  I did well.  I did well.  And I will go for a test in a regulated environment of a swimming pool to check where I stand

Work-wise I have opened up.  I went to a meeting for people who are re-starting from 0.  I met with old colleagues and chatted with friends.  I asked for advice/help.  And they have delivered.  Most of them gave me views, opinions, ideas.  They have.  It is true.  They fucking have.  How can I be so blind to the help they have provided?  They have.  It is a fact.  I am an ungrateful asshole if I don’t appreciate the time, phone calls, emails, messages they have sent me. I’m also fucking stupid for not “seeing” all this help.  Right in front of my fucking eyes.  And I am blind to it.  I ask for help and I get help.  And I am fucking blind to it.  Not anymore.  This is why I am writing these words.

Have to start really appreciating life and all the support I have been getting.  And start offering help again.  With no hesitation.  No second thoughts.  No doubts.  No expectations to get back.  Do it from my heart.  And it will come.  This is who I am.  This is who I always was.  Help, and it will come.  The same way that I received help from people I know well or just met.  Just do it.  No regrets. NO doubts. No “why don’t they appreciate me, pay me, give me something for the help I provide to them”.  If I want to be paid to help them, I’ll just state it from the beginning.  Period.

I attach some more photos of my beloved sea, because pics speak more than words sometimes